Uncomfortable Networking? Get Comfortable Asking Questions!

So many of flinch when we hear that we should network more. It feels awkward. We’re worried we’ll seem self-serving. Maybe we only think of it in the context of looking for a job. But networking isn’t just for job seekers. When you have a job, you should be building relationships with other people in the company, especially people on other teams. Why? Because it helps you see the bigger picture of what’s going on at your company, which helps you make better decisions. It also helps you see opportunities for change or growth within your company. Let’s say you’re an engineer on a team that manages the billing software. If you know some of the users of that software, you’ll probably find the work more satisfying and you’ll be able to have better conversations with the product manager and designers about what to build. If you get to know engineers on other teams, when the day comes you just can’t think about one more variation on subscription billing, you’ll have some ideas about what teams you’d like to move to.

If you’re a leader of any sort, e.g. a manager, product manager, director, or executive, then it’s essential that you network within your company to build relationships and deepen your knowledge of the business. 

Whether your motivation is doing informational interviews or building your internal network, one way to make networking feel less squicky is to get comfortable asking questions. Because, it turns out, most people like talking about what they care about, and that includes their work. And all you have to do is be genuinely curious. 

I used to be bad at this. I used to feel that asking too many questions was rude or intrusive. I used to be very uncomfortable asking those kinds questions. It felt rude. It felt pushy. It felt intrusive. If the other person was someone I knew or suspected was naturally quiet or introverted it felt almost mean. 

Then I had a life changing experience. I attended a leadership class at the Boeing Leadership Center (RIP) about succeeding in middle management. A lot of the course focused on working well with other people, since middle managers are the glue of large organizations and work up, down, left, and right to get their jobs done. One of the exercises we did was to spend twenty minutes with another student where one person could only ask questions. The questioner couldn’t express opinions or share their own experiences. For twenty minutes it was nothing but questions. 

I didn’t know the person I was paired with. For twenty minutes I asked him about his work, his projects, and what his teams needed. Because I couldn’t problem solve, talk about my own experiences, or otherwise change the subject. I just had to keep thinking of questions. It was honestly life changing. I didn’t know I could do that!

I learned so much about him and I didn’t feel rude at all. I felt like I was demonstrating that I was truly curious and interested. After our session, he told me his wife would be stunned when he told her that he’d talked for twenty minutes straight, as he was a very quiet person. But he hadn’t felt uncomfortable either, because he was talking about something very important to him, and it was clear I was genuinely interested. 

Good sales people are great at this, so if you work with some, or do business with some, pay attention to how they ask questions and how long they ask questions before ever turning the topic to what they’re selling. 

That experience over fifteen years ago changed how I approached conversations in general, because I genuinely love learning about people and once I’d learned I could ask questions without feeling like I was out of line, I got to indulge my natural curiosity. So trust me, this is a skill you can learn!

Your Dot Release: Guess what! You’re going to network. Pick a person whose role or work you’d like to understand better. Maybe they work with you, maybe they don’t. Set up a twenty minute call, or thirty minute coffee meetup. (Twenty minutes just seems kind of weird for coffee.) After the normal small talk, ask them questions. For everything they say, your only job is to listen and to think of a good follow up question. Don’t share your own experience or try to problem solve. Just keep being curious. When I do this I usually find that people will keep right on going and not turn the tables to ask me questions. But if they do, be gracious and let them. You’ll have already strengthened your question asking muscle!

In a previous article, I talked about asking questions as a pragmatic way to protect yourself from avoidable mistakes. It’s a different take on how to use this same foundational skill. 

Release Notes: Hey! I’ve been doing this newsletter for a year now. It’s been clear that what I’m drawn to talking about is the people side of work. One thing I love is when readers hit that reply button and tell me what they think, or ask me a question. So if you’ve got something on your mind related to hard conversations, bragging, interviews, or other hard things, let me know. 

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