Freaked-out people need you to understand them before you fix it
We need to talk about humans. And feelings. Ugh. (Shoutout to Murderbot*, the books and the TV show.)
People in tech, especially those of us who came through engineering, have a tendency to be problem solvers. We love to solve a problem and often want to ignore all the extraneous stuff that might surround it.
That extraneous stuff is all too often humans who are very upset. While ignoring their emotions can be tempting, it’s usually actually the longer path to a solution. So let’s get your problem solver brain engaged in a different problem: humans and their messy emotions.
Story time!
Around 1997 or so, I was a software developer on call for the systems my team owned. I got a call in the middle of the night, not from someone in the data center, as was typical, but from a software engineering manager. Her team had been troubleshooting a problem that had led them to a system I supported. They were stuck and couldn’t go any further without my help. The issue was time sensitive; if we didn’t resolve it before 4 am, people weren’t going to be able to work in the morning.
As the manager described the problem to me I quickly realized what had happened and how to fix it. And then I said exactly the wrong thing.
“Everything’s OK,” I said. “I’ll fix it.”
“Everything is not OK!” she replied with some heat. “Everything is broken, we have to get it working in the next couple of hours or people won’t be able to work. If they can’t work, our customers will be affected.”
At first, I was puzzled she was so upset. Hadn’t I just told her I knew how to fix it? Why was she still yelling? Then, I remembered a communications class I had just taken. The instructor had said that sometimes you need listen before you solve a problem. People, especially upset people, won’t trust that you are solving their problem unless they believe you really understand what it is. They have to show you the stakes and see you’re bought in before they can trust you. That empathy builds the trust. I realized I’d skipped that step, with my quick leap to understanding the root cause and solution. I was engaging on the technical level but I needed to start at the human level.
So I rewound and more or less repeated what she’d said, in my own engineering way, showing that I knew how the systems were connected and why it was absolutely necessary to get them back on line ASAP. Then, I walked her through my analysis of what had caused the problem and how I was going to fix it. Suddenly, it was like talking to a whole other person. Instead of a worried and frustrated manager I was talking to an engineering leader who able to engage with me on the practical level as we planned out how to get this done. But until she knew that I’d heard her, and how vital this was, she couldn’t accept my solution.
When someone’s very emotional, it can be easy to jump right to the solution, especially for those of us with an engineering background, or a mindset more attuned to analysis than to emotions. It can be frustrating to have to stop and let people process their feelings and show you understand before you can get to the part you want to do, which is solve the problem. You don’t have to match the emotion, but you need to show them that you understand it. And just to tempt you to try this out, it’s often faster to acknowledge the emotion than to try to ignore it. When you do, you turn yourself from their antagonist into an ally.
This kind of situation seems to pop up for technical folks when we’re crossing an organizational or hierarchal boundary. My personal experience with this engineering manager served me well when I was a product manager working with sales people. For sales people, every deal is important whereas product managers are often thinking in the aggregate. Our reaction to a stalled deal might be “well fifty percent of deals fail at this stage and we’re not going to build that feature anyway so this isn’t a big deal.” Instead of saying that, take a beat to be empathetic to that sales person and show them understand their world. Compare my first response to, “I know you’ve been working on this deal for awhile and we’re close to quarter end so it’s probably extra important to you. We don’t have that feature on the roadmap right now, so let’s talk about how I can help you position some responses for the customer.” Because trust me, a lot of sales people are going to stay on the emotional level until they know that you know how important this is. This is literally their paycheck they’re talking about. If they think you don’t get that, they’re not going to respect or even hear anything else you say. And honestly, I think that’s pretty understandable. (I have a ton of respect for salespeople; they have a skill I do not.)
Your Dot Release: Hopefully you’re not encountering high stakes freaked-out people on a regular basis. So for your dot release, practice in some lower stakes situations. The next time you’re about to jump to a solution, make sure you understand the impact and urgency of the situation. If you don’t know, ask! If you think you do know, then just restate them. If heads nod, you’re clear to keep going. If head don’t nod, well, now you’ve got some new data that’s worth exploring.
Release Notes: I’ve started executive coaching and helping people with interview preparation. If that’s something you’re interested in, I’m happy to schedule time to talk to see if I can be of help. Hit that reply button and suggest some times that work for you. I’m also available to lead a bragging workshop, with some pro bono slots available for non-profits with limited funds. I love helping people tell their stories, so hit me up!
*The Murderbot books by Martha Wells are a delightful series about a rogue security unit that has to deal with people when it would rather be watching media. It’s one of the few series I’ve reread because it’s a total comfort read for me. The TV show has a slightly different tone and so far I’m enjoying it, too.
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